Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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