I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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