then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
As shirtless as possible
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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