my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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