I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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