Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
