I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
