Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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