Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
