tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
