My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
