you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
