I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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