Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
