First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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