Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
