I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
