she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
