I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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