just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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