I looked at my own cervix.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hippo gnu deer
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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