I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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