i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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