I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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