My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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