That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
