So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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