Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My liver just had a heart attack.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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