no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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