Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
