a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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