Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize