some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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