im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
