fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
