Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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