I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
