She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
