I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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