lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
