When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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