I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Im part way to drunk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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