i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
