Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Text me some of your sweat
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
