She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize