do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
