apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
