highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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