the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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