he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
