I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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