You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
