if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
