I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
