it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
