so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Randomize
