I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
