I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
