She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
