plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
