What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
