I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
