Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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